The Walking Dead - Online Dating Profiles
by missdaryldixon
Summary: Just a series of silly drabbles featuring all our favorite Walking Dead ..online dating
1. Rick Grimes

Just a little something I thought I'd post for fun :D I hope you guys don't hate this too much, ahaha.

* * *

**Name: **Rick Grimes (_rick_rulez_)

**Occupation:** Ricktator

**Age: **35

**Sex:** Male

**Hobbies:** Stuff and thangs. Shooting up walkers and random guys I meet in bars. I dabble in the occasional rapping, let me know if you want a sample of my latest song "He Said He Would Leave Us Alone If I Gave Him Michonne".

**About Me:** I used to be a cop before the world went to shit, and I am recently widowed. I have two kids, Carl and Judith. One of them hates me, and the other one may or may not be my kid. Yep.

**What I'm Looking For:** I'm a guy who likes to take control, but when it comes to a relationship I want a woman with a bit of fire.

**Favorite Quotation(s):** "This isn't a democracy anymore." - Me

**Comments**

_katanagirl101: _Hey there Officer ;D You still got a pair of handcuffs with you?

_rick_rulez_: Wouldn't you like to know ;)

_katanagirl101: _Yum I just looked at your profile pic and you can arrest me any day!

_rick_rulez: _Maybe I could frisk you?

_carrrl: _Wtf dad, why are you on a dating website?

_rick_rulez_: Carl? Why are _you _on a dating website?

_carrrl: _Couldn't wait for Beth forever now could I? I'm gonna be fourteen soon, I need a woman in my life.

_katanagirl101: _Ummmm Carl no offence but I'm trying to hook up with your dad here, stop cutting in.

_rick_rulez: _Carl, you are too young to be thinking of that kind of stuff! katanagirl101 - I like a woman who's straightforward ;D

_carrrl: _Shut up Dad, you can't tell me what to do! Wtf Michonne your cell is right next to his, just get a room you two and stop sullying my virgin eyes!

_rick_rulez: _Michonne?!

_katanagirl101:_ ...I have no idea what you're talking about. But anyways, what woman could resist your dad? He's just too damned gorgeous. But I'm not Michonne..ahem.

_rick_rulez: _That's a shame because I just kicked Glenn and Maggie out the guard tower.

_katanagirl101:_ I'll be there in five_. _Carl, you think you could let your dad borrow that hat for a little while?

* * *

**Private Messages**

**Group Conversation: **Rick Grimes (_rick_rulez_), Glenn Rhee (_walkerbait_) and Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_).

_rick_rulez_: OMG guys I have a 'date' with Michonne in the guard tower in a few mins and I'm freaking out.

_walkerbait: That's _why you kicked Maggie and me out? Fuck you!

_crossbow_: Lol someone's gonna be doing that pretty soon by the sounds of it..anyway Glenn why are you still on this site, you're almost getting married!

_walkerbait:_ How else am I meant to keep up with the gossip? Anyway you can't talk, you and Carol are always together.

_crossbow_: You leave Carol out of this!

_rick_rulez: _Guys, you're shit at advice_._

___crossbow_: That's what we do, man.

* * *

_rick_rulez_** and **_katanagirl101_** went on a date **_in the guard tower. _

**Dater's Response: **

_katanagirl101: _My, my, my.

_rick_rulez: _Still. Out. Of. Breath_._

_katanagirl101: _Same time tomorrow?

_rick_rulez: _Just holler.

* * *

I might post more after this providing you didn't hate this too much haha :D I know it was short but I'll be revisiting Rick's profile soon as well as introducing other character's dating profiles. Thanks for reading!


	2. Merle Dixon

This chapter contains a pairing some of you might have an issue with, so be warned. Beth + Merle are cute together in the land of fanfic though :)

So I know Merle is dead, but I thought it'd be fun to post this anyways. Thanks for the nice response to my first chapter!

* * *

**Name:** Merle Dixon (_righthandman_)

**Occuptation: **Supreme Badass

**Age: **Age don't matter when you're this hot

**Sex:** Yes please

**Hobbies:** Meth, occasional Bible reading

**About Me:** I'm a tough as nails motherfucker, and don't you forget it. A guy with two hands couldn't fire a rifle with better aim than me.

**What I'm Looking For:** I'm a straight forward guy, basically I'm looking for a hot chick who can keep me warm at night. I prefer blondes. And I only have one hand, if you got a problem with that then keep walking. Lotsa things I can do with one hand though ;D

**Favorite Quotation(s):** "You called me a whore and a rag muncher" - Andrea Holden.

**Comments**

_countrygirl_: Gross.

_righthandman:_ Ya got something to say?

_countrygirl:_ I just did, dumbass.

_righthandman:_ Which 'country girl' are you, the one who likes to sing or the one who's with Jackie Chan?

_countrygirl:_ Doesn't matter, I'm not interested.

_righthandman:_ If you're the blonde then you know where I am ;D

_countrygirl:_ Like I said: gross.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Beth Greene (_countrygirl_) and Merle Dixon (_righthandman_)

_countrygirl: _Hi

_countrygirl:_ Oops, wrong person, my bad.

_countrygirl: _Are you going to reply?

_countrygirl: _Hello?

_righthandman:_ If you were so desperate for some of ol' Merle then you coulda just asked.

_countrygirl:_ Don't know what you're talking about.

_righthandman:_ I ain't up for playing games, little girl, you in or you out? I'm not always doing business but I'm always open ;D And I could show you a thing or two.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Beth Greene (_countrygirl_) and Maggie Greene (_farmers_daughter_)

_countrygirl_: I thought you said playing hard to get would be a good idea

_farmers_daughter:_ Didn't it work?

_countrygirl: _I tried to wait until he replied but I got impatient and just kept on messaging him :L

_farmers_daughter:_ You're hopeless. I thought Carl would be more than eager to talk to you anyways, don't know why you're going through all this effort.

_countrygirl:_ Carl?

_countrygirl:_ Oh right, yeah. Carl.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Beth Greene (_countrygirl_) and Merle Dixon (_righthandman_)

_countrygirl:_ Okay fine, I like you okay?

_righthandman:_ I thought you thought I was gross, Blondie. But no girl can resist the Dixon charm.

_countrygirl:_ What charm?

_righthandman:_ Don't play dumb, beautiful.

_countrygirl:_ Do you like me?

_righthandman:_ Can't say anything turns me on more than an sweet, warbling angel who knows how to handle a gun ;)

* * *

Beth Greene (_countrygirl_) **and** Merle Dixon (_righthandman_) **are in a relationship.**

**Comments**

_carrrl:_ What?!

_farmers_daughter:_ WHAT?!

_righthandman:_ Hell yeah, motherfuckers.

_countrygirl:_ Sorry Maggie

_farmers_daughter:_ You wait til I tell daddy about this!

_countrygirl:_ Not unless you want me to tell him that you and Glenn did it for the first time in a pharmacy when you barely knew each other!

_farmers_daughter:_ Is this blackmail? :O

_righthandman:_ I knew my little angel had a devilish side ;D

_countrygirl:_ Maybe I could show you more of that side later tonight..?

_farmers_daughter:_ Ugh take it somewhere else.

_carrrl:_ Again: what?!

* * *

**Private Messages**

Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_) and Merle Dixon (_righthandman_)

_crossbow:_ The fuck you messing about with Beth for?

_righthandman_: I ain't messing around, little brother.

_righthandman:_ Why are you concerned anyways, you got a thing for her now? I thought you and Mouse were getting it on real good.

_crossbow:_ Don't talk about Carol like that!

_righthandman:_ Your precious Carol threatened to slit my throat in my sleep.

_crossbow:_ Lol. I know.

_righthandman:_ You don't have a problem with that?!

_crossbow:_ Merle, we've all wanted to slit your throat.

_righthandman:_ Ain't no one ever had the balls to say it to my face. Gotta admit it turned me on a little though.

_crossbow:_ You mention Carol again and she won't have to slit your throat.

* * *

_righthandman_ **and** _countrygirl_ **went on a date **_in the prison showers._

**Dater's Response:**

_countrygirl: _I thought you said _you_ were going to show _me_ 'a thing or two'?

_righthandman: _O.o

_countrygirl:_ Nothing to say, huh? Seemed like you had a _lot_ to say when you were begging me to carry on spanking you...

_righthandman:_ If you tell anyone I'll just deny it.

_countrygirl:_ Don't worry, it's our little secret. You're my bitch now.

* * *

*Throws Boondock Saints reference* - Catch!

In most of the Meth fanfics Merle is always the one who's in the power, I thought it'd be fun to give you a hint of Dominatrix Beth ;D Hehe, sorry if Meth doesn't float your ship! Special shout out to Athlete Girl who begged me for some Meth!

The next TWD Dating profile will be our favorite crossbow-wielding redneck's ;D


	3. Daryl Dixon

I'm so happy you guys like this, haha :)

* * *

**Name:** Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_)

**Occupation:** Hunter, survivalist

**Age: **33

**Hobbies:** Hunting, killing walkers, practicing Zen, staring at Ca -

**About Me:** This is stupid.

**What I'm Looking For:** A nice woman who is sweet and sassy.

**Favorite Quotation(s):** "People in hell want Slurpees." - Me. "Wanna screw around?" - Unknown.

**Comments**

_CarolSuzanne:_ Daryl, you can't say 'this is stupid'!

_crossbow:_ Why not? It is. Everyone should know who I am anyway. I'm the one with the arms.

___CarolSuzanne_: I thought you actually wanted to find someone?

_crossbow:_ Well I changed my mind. I don't. I don't need any women in my life.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_) and Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_)

_crossbow:_ I'm sorry.

_crossbow:_ Carol?

_crossbow:_ You there?

_crossbow:_ Say somethin please.

_CarolSuzanne_ **has logged off.**

* * *

**Private Messages**

Karen Ponzio (_italianbeauty_) and Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_)

_italianbeauty:_ Hey sweetheart, want to hook up sometime? No strings attached, I just need an itch that needs scratching if you know what I mean ;D

_crossbow:_ Jeez, have some dignity will ya?

_italianbeauty:_ Is that a no?

_crossbow:_ Uh, let me think about that - of course it's a fucking no.

_italianbeauty:_ Why? :O

_crossbow:_ Because I don't like you. Just because we saved your ass that one time don't mean you gotta follow me round like a goddamn puppy.

_italianbeauty:_ You are sex on a stick, got nothing to do with you saving me :) Although it helps - I like a guy who knows how to be a hero.

_crossbow_ **has logged off.**

_italianbeauty: _Mmm playing hard to get are we?

_crossbow_ **has logged on_._**

_crossbow:_ Good Lord.

_italianbeauty:_ I've hardly ever seen you even _glance_ at a woman before. Sure you don't bat for the other team?

_crossbow:_ Stfu woman, I glance plenty. Just not at you.

* * *

**Private Messages**

_crossbow:_ Carol I'm sorry for sayin I don't need any women.

___CarolSuzanne_: Don't be sorry, it's true. You don't need anyone.

_crossbow:_ Well it's true I don't need any women. I just need _one_ woman. I need you don't I?

___CarolSuzanne_: ...really?

_crossbow:_ You deserve someone better than me though.

___CarolSuzanne_: How do I deserve someone better than the most bad ass walker killer in the whole of Georgia? In the whole of America even? You're the most wonderful man I've ever met.

_crossbow:_ You really like me?

___CarolSuzanne_: I love you, you fool. You know that. The question is: how do _you_ feel?

_crossbow:_ I don't know how to say it.

___CarolSuzanne_: Then get over here and show me.

* * *

_crossbow_ **and **_CarolSuzanne _**went on a date **_in Carol's cell._

**Dater's Response**

___CarolSuzanne_: You really showed me didn't you? ;)

_crossbow:_ Was I alright?

___CarolSuzanne_: My legs are still shaking! You were more than alright :)

* * *

_crossbow_ **and **_CarolSuzanne_ **are married.**

**Comments**

_rick_rulez:_ Whaaat? What the hell did I miss?

_walkerbait:_ A lot. You were too busy entertaining yourself with our resident ninja to notice.

_farmers_daughter:_ That was quick! :D Go Carol!

_countrygirl:_ OMG congratulations guys!

___CarolSuzanne_: You guys, calm down! Carl hacked Daryl's account and changed his relationship status. We're not married.

_Tyreese226:_ Maybe I could change that :) Wanna go for a walk later?

_crossbow:_ Hey, the lady said we ain't married but that don't mean we ain't together! Back off asshat if you know what's good for you.

_righthandman:_ Heeeey well done little brother! Was starting to think you was queer.

_crossbow:_ -.-

* * *

_crossbow_ **and** _CarolSuzanne_ **went on a date **_in the woods_.

* * *

**Private Messages**

___CarolSuzanne_: My back is all scratched up from the tree bark :( Why couldn't we have done it on a bed like normal people?

_crossbow:_ We ain't normal, darlin. Sorry for hurtin you though.

_____CarolSuzanne_: It was worth it ;D Never knew you could be so wild..

_crossbow:_ I hope you can sew those shorts back up.

_____CarolSuzanne_: Probably, my panties are a lost cause though. Maybe you could make it up to me?

_crossbow:_ How?

_____CarolSuzanne_: I'm in your cell. Bring your leather belt!

* * *

**Private Messages**

**Group Conversation: **Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_), Maggie Greene (_farmers_daughter_) and Beth Greene (_countrygirl_).

_____CarolSuzanne_: Squeeee I finally did it! We're finally together.

_farmers_daughter:_ Was startin to wonder if you guys would ever face the truth and see that you're a match made in frickin heaven.

_countrygirl:_ How is he in bed?

_farmers_daughter:_ Beth!

_farmers_daughter:_ ...seriously though, how is he?

_____CarolSuzanne_: Lol! More than satisfactory.

_countrygirl: _Must be a Dixon thing then!

_farmers_daughter:_ Ew.

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Hope you liked this one :D Please don't forget to leave a review!


	4. Andrea Holden

Thanks for the lovely reviews!

I adore Laurie Holden as an actress but I am rather anti-Andrea, as you can tell from this chapter. Sorry if this bothers you!

* * *

**Name:** Andrea Holden (_AndreaDoll_)

**Occupation:** Amateur Peacemaker

**Age:** 33

**Sex: **Female

**Hobbies:** Occasionally I enjoy putting my friends in mortal peril, and fishing.

**About Me:** I'm a blonde, hot-headed chick who's pretty good with a rifle, so don't even try to wrong me in any way. I make my own decisions, so don't expect me to bow down to any guy who wants in on my life!

**What I'm Looking For:** I'm a sucker for bad boys, so if you think you have a rebellious streak, let me know ;D I'm not looking for a serious relationship, but if the right guy comes along then why not? I'm up for making friends with benefits.. xx

**Favorite Quotation(s):** "I miss my vibrator." - Me.

**Comments**

_science_rocks:_ Hey there :)

_AndreaDoll:_ Hi! Do I know you? You've put your profile on 'Private'.

_science_rocks:_ Yes, we're friends in real life, but I don't want you to know who I am just yet...

_carrrl:_ Why is your profile picture a photo of Sheldon Cooper?

_science_rocks:_ Why not?

_AndreaDoll:_ Carl, get out of my space. I'm trying to talk here. Go bother someone else.

_science_rocks:_ Maybe we could meet up in the Woodbury library sometime? I really need to speak with you in private.

_Governor:_ Andrea, sweetheart, would you like to join me in my apartment for some whiskey tonight?

_AndreaDoll:_ Oh Philip, I'd love to :) science_rocks, can I get a rain check?

* * *

_science_rocks_ **has deactivated his account.**

* * *

_AndreaDoll_ **and **_Governor_ **are in a relationship.**

**Comments**

_righthandman:_ What a surprise. No one saw this comin at all.

_farmers_daughter:_ Why would you choose Andrea of all people? Not that you're exactly a catch, but that woman's a vile witch.

_crossbow:_ Give or take a 'B'.**  
**

_CarolSuzanne:_ Daryl!

_crossbow:_ She shot me!

_AndreaDoll:_ You said we were cool! Bastard.

_crossbow:_ That was before you got us all into this massive clusterfuck.

_AndreaDoll: _Just shut up! Philip and I are in love.

_carrrl:_ You'll spread your legs for anything, dlut!

_AndreaDoll: _Stay out of this Carl! And what's a 'dlut'?

_carrrl: _That was a typo.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Maggie Greene (_farmers_daughter_) and Andrea Holden (_AndreaDoll_).

___farmers_daughter_: How's things with the Governor? I hope it's all sunshine and rainbows.

_AndreaDoll:_ Is that sarcasm?

_____farmers_daughter_: *slow claps* Well done, Andrea, at least you got one thing right. That man's a psychopath!

_AndreaDoll:_ He's a high functioning sociopath. Do your research.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_) and Andrea Holden (_AndreaDoll_).

_CarolSuzanne:_ Andrea, I'm worried for you. You need to end this and you know it.

_AndreaDoll:_ How?!

_CarolSuzanne:_ Have sex with him and kill him in his sleep.

_AndreaDoll:_ O.o You've been watching too much Basic Instinct.

_CarolSuzanne:_ Don't even begin to compare Michael Douglas with your guy.

* * *

_science_rocks_ **has reactivated his account.**

* * *

**Private Messages **

Andrea Holden (_AndreaDoll_) and _science___rocks_._  
_

_AndreaDoll:_ I know it's you, Milton._  
_

_science_rocks:_ How did you know?

_AndreaDoll:_ Who else here thinks science rocks? I figured it out.

_science_rocks:_ Fine, it's me.

_AndreaDoll:_ I know you're pretty hurt that Philip and I got together.

_science_rocks:_ Finally clued up, did you?

_AndreaDoll:_ Hey!

_science_rocks:_ It really hurt me, okay? I hate seeing you two together. It breaks my heart.

_AndreaDoll:_ Oh Milton, I'm so sorry. But I'm ending things with him. We can finally be together.

_science_rocks:_ ...um, sorry, who said _you_ were the one I wanted?

* * *

_AndreaDoll_ **and **_Governor_ **went on a date **_in an abandoned warehouse._

**Dater's Response:**

_Governor:_ I don't know about you but I had a whole lot of fun.

_AndreaDoll:_ I can't get that tune you were whistling out of my head now, thanks.

_Governor:_ Don't try to run away from me again, Andrea.

_AndreaDoll:_ It's hard to try when you're tied up. You're a terrible boyfriend.

_Governor:_ You were the one who said you liked bad boys.

* * *

Hehe, hope you guys liked this one! Reviews are always appreciated :)


	5. Carol Peletier

**PLEASE READ:** If you have an Instagram account, _please_ follow me. My user is**msdaryldixon** :D I make a lot of TWD related edits!

Sorry for the late upload btw, life has been so stressful lately I haven't had time to write :l

* * *

**Name: **Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_)

**Occupation:** Housewife

**Age:** 40

**Hobbies:** Babysitting Judith (and on occasion, Daryl)

**About Me:** I'm a woman who likes to take care of people, but I'm looking for a guy who can take care of _me_. I like guys who are tough, but also have a soft, sensitive side.

**Favorite Quotation(s):** "Stay safe." - Daryl Dixon. "Nine lives, remember?" - Me.

* * *

Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_) **and** Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_) **are in a relationship.**

**Comments**

_farmers_daughter:_ You know what be a good name for you guys? Caryl.

_countrygirl:_ Caryl? I ship it.

_crossbow:_ What the hell is a ship?

_countrygirl:_ You know...like a relation**ship**.

_righthandman:_ Hey baby brother, you know what 'fap' means?

_crossbow:_ Nope.

_righthandman:_ Look it up.

_countrygirl:_ MERLE!

_CarolSuzanne:_ Um..

* * *

**Today is **Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_) **and **Daryl Dixon's (_crossbow_) **one year anniversary.**

* * *

**Private Messages**

Maggie Greene (_farmers_daughter_) and Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_).

___farmers_daughter_: Carol, what did you and Daryl get up to for your anniversary? Can't believe you've been together for a year already.

_CarolSuzanne:_ Nothing. He _forgot_.

_____farmers_daughter_: No way! Oh, that hunter is about to get a kick up his redneck ass.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_) and Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_).

_crossbow:_ Carol, I'm so sorry. I was just distracted by all the stuff goin on in the prison, I didn't meant to forget.

_CarolSuzanne:_ It's okay.

_crossbow:_ Really?

_CarolSuzanne:_ Sure.

* * *

Carol Peletier (_CarolSuzanne_) **is feeling** annoyed.

**Comments**

_crossbow:_ What's wrong?

_Tyreese226:_ Saw you storm past me just then in the common room, you okay sweetheart?

_crossbow:_ Who are you callin 'sweetheart', jackass?

_Tyreese226:_ Not you.

_____farmers_daughter_: She's annoyed at you, idiot.

_Tyreese226:_ Who, me?

_____farmers_daughter_: No, the one who forgot their anniversary!

_crossbow:_ She said we were okay!

_____farmers_daughter_: When a girl says they're okay they don't actually mean they're okay.

_crossbow:_ The hell am I supposed to know that?

_Tyreese226:_ It's a girl thing, man.

* * *

**Private Messages**

Daryl Dixon (_crossbow_) and Maggie Greene (___farmers_daughter_).

_crossbow:_ What do I do?

_____farmers_daughter_: Fix it, pretty boy.

_crossbow:_ How was I to know she was mad?

_____farmers_daughter_: You've got a lot to learn about girl-lingo.

_crossbow:_ You gonna help me or what?

_____farmers_daughter_: Meet me by the prison gates in five minutes.

* * *

**Private Messages**

_walkerbait:_ I'm heading for the guard tower ;D Join me?

_farmers_daughter:_ I'll be there soon :)

_walkerbait: _Oh Jesus Christ.

_farmers_daughter:_ What?

_walkerbait:_ Daryl and Carol are inside already. Looks like they made up. I think I'm gonna hurl.

_farmers_daughter:_ My master plan worked :)

_walkerbait: _Was that master plan trying to get me to want to gouge my own eyes out? What I just saw may be burned into my retinas for the rest of my life. How the hell did you get Carol to forgive him anyway?

_farmers_daughter:_ You underestimate the power of Cherokee roses, my friend.

* * *

I know it was short, sorry ^-^ I'll try and update again soon.


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